Singing: my vulnerable soul

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" Berthold Auerbach

The Music in Me

I have loved music ever since I can remember. Growing up in a house where people came to learn the piano, where classical music was often played and everyday church music was practised for the Sunday morning service. There was something about music that has always moved me deeply. In fact, when I was very young, my mother would put music on for me to dance around to, waving her pretty headscarves. Sometimes she would play Peter and the Wolf which make me frightened that a big wolf might suddenly appear in our garden. This was not likely in the UK!

Peter and the wolf music

My mother loved the sound of choir boys singing, a style which often had very little vibrato, the change in pitch or wobbly notes, so, to please my mum I would sing in the same way, clear and clean.

I have never had an outsanding voice but my range was ok and I wasn't afraid to give most pieces or songs a go.

I remember singing with the Girls Brigade in the Royal Albert Albert and sometimes have short solos in muscials my mother put on for the church. In fact, I went on to sing a very tricky solo as an adult and I cringe to this day as I murdered the top notes that I am sure others would have sung much better.

Training

In my twenties my aunt offered to pay for singing lessons so I could take some Grades in singing. I loved hearing my tutor sing. She had a powerful operatic voice, filled with drama and excitement. We worked together for a couple of years during which I tooks grades 4 & 5. I didn't have the motivation to take it further due to there being the theory exam to take. Much as I loved music, I didn't feel passionately about the theory side of things, plus I wasn't great at maths so I found some of the timings etc too complex.

My training came in use when I joined a local Amateur Dramatics Society not long after getting married and moving to a new area. Over the years I took part in 3 shows; The Wizard of Oz, Oliver at the Wycombe Swan and then after a gap I returned to be in Sweet Charity.

Claire on the satge during Sweet Charity

My favourite was Oliver, a musical I had loved for a very long time. I was mainly in the chorus but also played the milkmaid in the market sellers scene with my own lines in the song 'who will buy?' I had the most ridiculously heavy prop in the form of a very heavy milkmaid's yoke. It was so heavy I found it hard to walk in time as requested by the choreographer. After 2 performances I had bruises all over my neck and shoulders so they had to stick foam on the yoke to ease the pain.

I received a 'rotten cabbage' award for the worst prop!

Being Better than..

As I have said before, my voice is not unique and is nothing special. I could mimick a lot of styles but the one thing I couldn't do was put my heart into it. I was ALWAYS holding back. There were some pop songs or songs from musicals that I could put a lot into but I never felt that complete release that I saw in others.

I would watch people in the theatre or on TV as they threw their heads back, opened their mouths and sang as if singing from deep within their souls.

I realised that this was something I couldn't do. Even my singing examiner had said I was too precise and placed. I knew I lacked this authenticity so I had tried to compensate by singing exactly as written on the paper.

Why couldn't I put all that I felt inside, into my voice? What was holding me back? Maybe I just didn't have the talent? Maybe I wasn't interesting enough or 'quirky' enough?

I so wanted to be good at something and not just average. Everyone has at least ONE thing they were really good at, but not me.

As I type this I wonder if the reason I could not sing from my soul was beacause my soul was hurting? Would it make me vulnerable to sing this way? Over the last few years I spent time singing in a small Acapella group and found my confidence was dwindling even further. I would only practice when I knew my partner was out or somewhere he wouldn't hear.

Nowadays, I rarely sing without being moved to tears. In fact music moves me so deeply I cried in the theatre when watching Starlight Express &The Lion King. Most days I find I tear up when watching the TV. Sometimes it's happiness or sadness and other times I just don't know why.

In the movie Sister Act, Whoopi Goldberg is a night club singer who teaches the nuns to sing more effectively and that includes one nun with a tiny wee voice. Whoopi's character asks the quiet nun to sing and then pushes on her diaphragm area which creates the power for her to sing with a beautiful big voice. It's a such a lovely moment.

I feel I need this kind of epiphany or breakthrough. I can sing with some power although maybe not so much nowadays without regular practice. What I need is the breakthrough that allows me to just sing. Maybe I should do what they did in the King's Speech and play something so loudly or through headphones so that I can't hear myself. If I can't hear myself, I can't really judge or be the usual harsh critic. So how do people sing with such freedom?

Where is my voice?

Why is my voice so tight and constricted?Why am I so scared of sounding bad? Could this all be linked to being a people pleaser and fearful of rejection? Did I lose my true voice, my heart voice on the day I experienced adoption trauma? Maybe if I can release the vulnerablility and fear of being abandoned I can find my voice? Where or what is that breakthrough that I need?

I would love the ability so sing from my soul, to be able to experience music without tears or fear of tears. To feel the beauty of song and music flow through me, energising me and restoring my soul.