Why So Angry?

It's there, bubbling away just beneath the surface. It's fuelled by pain, frustration and fear. Why shoud I be quiet? Why should I accept that I am not seen? Why shouldn't I speak up, shout out and demand to be heard? Because if I set it free all hell would break loose! Claire Wortley

The Beginning of Rage

I first mentioned Rage in my blogs back in 2019 when I wrote the blog 'Meet Rage.' The first time Rage came into a conversation was back in 2001 when I was seeing a therapist. I explained how I felt this ball of energy within me that desperately wanted to be set free. It wanted to be allowed to take a stand for me, to make people listen and it didn’t care if this was done through fear or love. It just needed to be heard. At times it felt so intense I was afraid of it. If it found a way to break free, then things could go wrong pretty quickly.

I knew my therapist wouldn't have seen the film I was about to refer to but I did it anyway.

‘It's like a scene in the Van Helsing film, with Hugh Jackman in the lead part. He turned from a man into a huge werewolf, tearing himself free of his human body and becoming a terrifying monster.’

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/b4ef84_241a1ce9630e44c4b997095783cc7b88/480p/mp4/file.mp4

Van Helsing(Hugh Jackman) turning into a werewolf

Rage - get back in your box!

I don't recall much of what was said in the rest of that particular session but I have known of Rage's presence ever since. When life is good, Rage is quiet but as soon as things change and I feel unnerved, Rage leave its corner and begins to influence my thoughts and actions.

On the rare occasions Rage is given more control, I have come to regret those moments. Whether it has meant I have been too honest to someone and hurt their feelings or just been surprised at the other person's venomous come back. I decided Rage had to be controlled at all times and kept in its box!

So how was I going to put this into practice?

I have tried many things: the usual yoga practices, bought a punchbag and boxing gloves, tried grounding and tree hugging and of course the good old primal scream.

These helped give me a sense of relief by taking Rage from boiling point to a gentle simmer but they never really helped me understand what Rage was there for.

Whatever the purpose of Rage was, I knew I had to keep it firmly locked away. I was to acknowledge when Rage wanted to step up and intervene, but I was never to open the box and let it out.

This part of me had to be controlled. It was not safe!

A new persppective

Years have passed and Rage has been kept silent. Left in a corner, never to be poked or provoked.

If I spoke about my 'inner rage' it was often to give myself a sense of power, maybe even make myself seem scary. Yes, if you know me and you read that last sentence, you probably spat out your drink or laughed your socks off.

'Claire, scary? Don't be daft!'

So, what is going on with Rage now?

Yesterday I had an epiphany. It was during my second session with a wellbeing practitioner from a Scottish charity.

We were talking about our previous session and working out what to work on when I happened to mention an aggressive side to me. This led to me mentioning Rage.

I described the Van Helsing clip and how I feared letting Rage out of its box and the carnage I was sure would ensue.

'So, what do you do when you notice Rage is stirring?'

'Oh, I acknowledge its presence but tell it, it isn't needed and doesn't serve me right now'

'Why do you think Rage is there?'

'It's a build-up of the anger and frustration from being unseen and feeling unheard'

'Ok so you believe Rage is mostly about being seen so what do you think happens when you try to suppress it and tell it that it isn't needed?'

Light bulb moment!

This is when it clicked. I was trying to resolve what I saw as a problem with the exact behaviour that created it. How would that make that part of me feel?

Rage was made up of all the pain and rejection I had ever felt and yet here I was treating it in exactly the same way, by rejecting it. No wonder it just got more and more angry!

A new identity

I can't quite recall the exact conversation as it continued but it lead me to the conclusion that Rage was not the ‘Monster of Chaos’ I first thought. In fact, Rage was my protector.

Rage was my protector, but how? Rage was and is the fuel that helps me perform.

What do I mean by perform?

Well, at the age of around 4 or 5, I remember sitting on the stairs at home, thinking about being adopted. To my young mind people only gave away the things they didn't like or that were broken. So, I concluded that I must be one of those things; unlikeable or broken.

Both the practitioner and I found this hard to say out loud. Noone likes to think that child believes this of themselves.

To fend off the fear of being sent back to wherever I was ‘chosen’ from or being unlikeable I began to perform. I would be a ‘good' girl, I would be ‘funny’ and I would be ‘kind’.

Now I am not saying I'm not those things naturally, but I saw that these things made people happy and this might lessen the chances of being sent back to wherever I was first acquired. As a child, I honestly thought this was a baby shop with lots of babies to choose from.

What Rage did, through fearful and frustrated energy, was provide the fuel for me to perform.

You see pretending takes a lot of energy. You need to be on alert most of the time: watching and reading people's faces and behaviour, listening for a change in tone of voice and on the lookout for any sign of disapproval or disappointment so you can change your behaviour and bring back peace and harmony.

This was evident all through my life. I so desperately wanted to be free of pretending and allow myself to be my true self, although I didn't know who she was. I have held back in many ways. The most obvious is with singing. If I see someone singing with confidence and freedom, truly experiencing the music, I am often moved to tears because I cannot do this. I cannot let myself go. It would be too dangerous. I might be rubbish and be rejected.

As I experienced more of life, things happened that enforced the beliefs around my worth and who I had to be until it happened. I broke.

My brokenness came in the form of anxiety and panic disorders that stopped me completely and, almost forever.

Thankfully I was soon to make a change that created some space for the 'real' me. I relocated to live with my partner 500 miles away. I needed time and space to shed others’ expectations -see (https://www.claireschair.com/post/the-wrong-shoes)

Wooden Jetty at Loch Morar

A new relationship

'Ok let's take it a step further, what does Rage need from you?'

'I don't know. Let me think.'

I looked over the top of my laptop as my mind moved through images in my head.

'I think it needs me to be caring?

I was surprised that Rage might need something from me. Could it be that Rage needed me to show it compassion and kindness? 

In my mind’s eye I could see myself holding out my arms to embrace Rage.  In fact, if I accepted Rage was my protector and not something to be feared, maybe Rage could step down?

Afterall, now I am an adult I can step in to situations as an adult and not a child needing to be kept safe?

Maybe I have been stuck in one half of the rage cycle?  I’ve only ever seen it as a one way route, Claire to Rage. It has never occurred to me that this is incomplete and that Rage could go back to being Claire.  A reverse of the werewolf situation. I can change back to me.

I no longer perform, pretend or adapt anywhere near as much as I did as a child. I certainly have far more awareness around when this is happening. I no longer have to play parts in situations and can begin to be my authentic self, whatever that looks like.

Wow!

This is just the beginning of this part of my life journey. I feel excited and empowered to see how I can intergrate this new understanding into my daily life.

What's your anger saying to you?