How often do we see things in the media telling us to push for what we want?
'Make yourself invaluable to someone or a company, convince them they need you. Don't sit on the bench waiting to be picked, stand up and announce yourself. Never stand patiently at the back of the line or 'heaven forbid' let someone else in front of you. Push for all your worth to get to the front of the line, be the one they pick by getting noticed. Go go go......'
But what happens when you don't get picked?
Let's go back to when I was young, say 7, and I can remember never getting a big part in the school nativity. Forever the page boy in red with a big red ruffle scratching my neck and spending hours shopping with one of my parents to find thick red tights...lovely. Now even though I didn't get picked as Mary or an angel I never questioned myself. I never thought 'I'm not pretty enough or tall enough.' I just assumed that this was how it was and promptly returned to my imaginary world in my head in the Faraway Tree or somewhere surrounded by horses.
Now at some point in my life I learned to question my worth but I can't think when.
Was it when I noticed that someone else ALWAYS gets in there first? Maybe it was when I heard an adult talk negatively or judging someone? Maybe it was learning that I was adopted? Who knows?
Sadly at some point in our lives we learn to judge ourselves. We come to know that people may look at us and judge us. People may meet us and judge how likeable we are, how attractive we are, how wealthy we are and possibly how valuable we could be to them in a specific role.
Me, I still get excited about new possibilities and experiences but unlike in my younger years I am easily dissuaded especially when patience is involved. I may go full blast at something , determined to make a go of it with inner dialogue full of passion, drive and excitement. Anything feels possible and nothing will deter me that is unless I have to wait.
Nowadays I'm not so good at ploughing on. Maybe Lockdown and being out of work for so long is starting to eat away at my enthusiasm? I find myself thinking 'f*ck it! My face doesn't fit. I've nothing special to offer. I'll just take whatever job comes along just for money! Life's a bore and I'm a hormonal misery that needs a rocket up my rear.'
This isn't me. More than ever I want that little girl back in my head! I want to use my amazing imagination for good. I want to be productive and valued. I want people to recognise my worth.
Stop, wait! 🤔
I'm looking in the wrong place for my self-worth and value. I'm placing it in the hands of others and in doing so, giving my power away. I'm presenting myself to people and saying 'judge me, judge my value.' However the person who I need to convince about my own value, is me.
Maybe looking at those around me who already value me is where I need to start?
In my search for something new, a job or purpose, I have become blind to what I already have.
I am already someone's daughter, sister, mother and partner. Why am I pushing to the front of the queue for something else when I already have so much?
The media is always telling us to need more, be more or have more and unfortunately sometimes I consume it and believe it. By feeling inadequate I must push for more.
I don't need more. What I need to do is to open my eyes to what I have already achieved and instead of getting inpatient and pushing to the front of the line only to sulk when Im not chosen, remind myself of what I already am and what I already have.
Remembering these things enables me to sit patiently as I wait for what is yet to come.